– YOU DON’T KNOW. YOU DON’T KNOW. – [cackling] – RACKIN’ FRACKIN’ COMMUNITY SERVICE. WORKING AROUND A BUNCH OF GODDAMN NUT JOBS WHO SIT AROUND AND MUMBLE TO THEMSELVES. [mumbling] – IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, SIR? – OH, NEVER BETTER! I LOVE THESE WACKY BASTARDS. OH, YOU’RE A DAD, HUH? YEAH, MY SON YELLED AT… Read More »
I don’t complain anymore, I genuinely don’t. Because I have learned, you complain everywhere in the world. Like when you travel you realize how many people complain everywhere in the world. South Africa seems like we are crashing until you go to other places. And they seem like they are crashing. I went to the… Read More »
>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! THANK YOU SO MUCH! THESE CONVENTIONS CAN BE FUN TO WATCH, BUT FOR THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IT IS A BLOOD SPORT THAT WE JUST WATCH. IT IS BARE-KNUCKLE BRAWLING. IT’S LIKE THE HUNGER GAMES. NO, IT’S WORSE THAN THAT. IT’S — THE HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ♪ HA… Read More »
[lively orchestral music][line trilling]– Thank you for calling the National Audubon Society. This is Sarah. How may I help you? – Hi, yes, my name’s Bob I actually had a question for you about a bird. I have, a–do you know the Ring systems for your doorbell? – Uh, yeah. – I’ve noticed this– a… Read More »
WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) RIGHT OFF THE BAT, WE HAVE TO GET TO THE BIG PRESIDENTIAL STORY THAT BROKE AT THE END OF LAST WEEK. PRETTY DRAMATIC STUFF. THE PRESIDENT ON CAMERA SHOCKING THE NATION –>>HEY THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL KISS… Read More »
– You do seem like you’ve been in a pretty good mood, lately. – Do you know why? – No. – Because, like Santa Claus, I have been making a list of people to kill, twice. (audience laughing) – Santa doesn’t kill people. – He does if he’s Terror Claus. – Terror Claus, never heard… Read More »
Starting next week– -hold yourself– this– -I will. Instagram will begin hiding likes in the U.S. This came here from Australia. It’s citing mental health benefits. Like counts won’t go away altogether. Users will be able to see theirs. But this is like World War Z, you know, where it’s coming your way and you… Read More »
WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW”.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. HAPPY FRIDAY. YOU GUYS READY FOR THE WEEKEND? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LOVE A FRIDAY CROWD. I LOVE A FRIDAY CROWD. THEY’RE ELECT. NOW, DONALD TRUMP HAS GOOD WEEKENDS DOWN IN MAR-A-LAGO, ALL THE TIME. EVER SINCE HE BECAME THE MOST POWERFUL MAN… Read More »