John Mulaney Bonds With Stephen Over Their Time As Altar Boys

By | August 29, 2019


PLEASE WELCOME JOHN MULANEY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪>>HOW ARE YOU?>>Stephen: WOW! HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?>>Stephen: DOING FINE. HOW ARE YOU?>>I’M VERY GOOD.>>Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS. I UNDERSTAND THE SHOW HAS BEEN
EXTENDED THROUGH JANUARY.>>YES, TILL JANUARY 22nd!>>Stephen: FANTASTIC. YES!>>Stephen: I THINK IT SHOULD
BE EXTENDED FOREVER.>>REALLY?>>Stephen: PEOPLE DON’T KNOW,
YOU HAVE GUESTS WHO COME ON THE SHOW.>>WE HAVE A SURPRISE GUEST
EVERY NIGHT. OUR TWO CHARACTERS HAVE THEIR
OWN CABLE ACCESS SHOW WITHIN THE PLAY AND WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST
COME OUT, MYSELF AND THE WONDERFULLY TALENTED NICK KROLL. WE’RE BASICALLY ON SIXTH AVENUE.>>Stephen: STILL VERY NICE. I WAS A GUEST ONE NIGHT AND I
COULDN’T BELIEVE HOW DEVASTATINGLY CRUSHINGLY FUNNY
IT WAS. I WAS, LIKE, THEY’RE GOING TO
HAVE TO CHECK THE BUILDING FOR STRUCTURAL DAMAGE BECAUSE THE
LAUGHS WERE SO LOUD. IT WAS ALMOST INFURIATING HOW
WELL THE SHOW WAS GOING FOR YOU.>>THAT WAS A VERY NICE
COMPLIMENT. YOU’RE A VERY NICE MAN TO BE
INFURIATED. THAT’S WONDERFUL.>>Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO GO
FURTHER THAN JANUARY 22?>>OUR PLAN JANUARY 22. OH HELLO.com FOR TICKETS. WE WOULD GO TILL WE WERE OLD
ENOUGH TO PLAY THE 72-YEAR-OLD MEN WE ARE NOW. WE WOULD LIKE TO DO IT UNTIL WE
DON’T GET WHY IT’S FUNNY WHAT THESE TWO OLD MEN ARE DOING.>>Stephen: WE’D NEVER MET
BEFORE THEN.>>WE HAD.>>Stephen: I DON’T BELIEVE
SO.>>2000, I WAS A FRESHMAN AT
GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY, YOU WERE THERE FOR “THE DAILY SHOW,” A
SHOW YOU DID ON COMEDY CENTRAL.>>Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT
JON STEWART, THAT GUY, A 72-YEAR-OLD JEWISH MAN.>>YES.>>Stephen: YOUR CHARACTER IS
BASED ON HIM.>>YOU WERE AT GEORGETOWN
UNIVERSITY, YOU WERE DOING A REMOTE SEGMENT BECAUSE THERE WAS
A THEOLOGY PROFESSOR THERE WHO WAS AN EXPERT ON SAINTS.>>Stephen: SOUNDS LIKE ME. YOU WERE DOING IT FOR
RESEARCH. YOU WERE COMING AROUND AND I WAS
HEADED TO MY 9:00 A.M. EURO CIV CLASS. I PASSED YOU AND I WAS THIS
LITTLE FRECKLE-FACED, PUFFY, HUNGOVER MONSTER, AND I SAW YOU
AND WAS ALREADY A HUGE FAN FROM STRANGERS WITH CANDY ON “THE
DAILY SHOW,” AND THIS WAS BEFORE CELL PHONES AND I COULDN’T GET A
PICTURE, SO I JUST WENT, HEY! EH —
>>Stephen: I REMEMBER YOU, YOU WERE THE EH GUY!>>EH!>>Stephen: YEAH. YEAH.>>Stephen: GEORGETOWN. GEORGETOWN.>>Stephen: SO WAS THAT,
LIKE — IS IT VITAL HAVE IT ALSO IN THE BASEMENT?>>YES!>>Stephen: I DATED A GIRL AT
GEORGETOWN WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE AND GO TO VITAL VILLAGE.>>WHICH DIDN’T SELL CONDOMS
BECAUSE IT WAS A CATHOLIC SCHOOL.>>Stephen: THAT’S EXACTLY
RIGHT. BUT LET’S GLOSS OVER THAT PART
OF THE STORY, I BEG YOU BECAUSE I DID NOT MARRY THIS PERSON, SO
MOVE ON. VERY NICE, SHE WASN’T INTO ME.>>CAN’T MARRY EVERYONE WHO IS
NICE BECAUSE YOU WOULD BE MARRIED TO TOO MANY PEOPLE. THAT’S WHAT I SAY WHEN I SPEAK
AT SCHOOLS.>>Stephen: BUT YOU’RE
MARRIED.>>YEAH, I GOT MARRIED.>>Stephen: I’M SORRY I
INTERRUPTED YOUR MARRIAGE STORY.>>NO, I WENT, I GOT MARRIED. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: IT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE RUBBING IT IN MY
FACE NOW. I ALSO GOT MARRIED EEVENTUALLY.>>WE HAD A WEDDING, AND THERE’S
A STORY.>>Stephen: YOU WENT TO
GEORGETOWN. ARE YOU A CATHOLIC?>>YES.>>Stephen: BECAUSE IT’S A
JESUIT SCHOOL.>>I’VE ONLY GONE TO CATHOLIC
SCHOOLS.>>Stephen: WERE YOU AN ALTAR
BOY?>>YEAH.>>Stephen: I WAS, TOO. HOW LONG?>>Stephen: ELEVEN YEARS. I DID FOUR YEARS.>>Stephen: WOW. ALTAR BOYS, PRETTY
CEREMONIAL, YOU HOLD CANDLES AND WEAR A WHITE DRESS. A LOT LIKE THE GUY WHO HELD THE
UMBRELLA FOR PUFF DADDY. REMEMBER THAT GUY? FARNZWORTH BENTLEY.>>Stephen: THAT WAS HIS NAME? YES. SO I WAS AN ALTAR BOY AND I
WOULD STAND UP AND GET $20 A WEDDING. SOMETIMES THE BEST MAN WOULD TIP
YOU ANOTHER $20. SO I GOT $40. I WAS VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS
UNTIL MY FRIENDS WHERE WERE JEWISH STARTED GETTING
BAR MITZVAHED AND I BECAME VERY JEALOUS ABOUT THAT BECAUSE THEY
WERE GETTING HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS. MEAN WHILE, I WAS HAVING A
CONFIRMATION. WERE YOU CONFIRMED?>>Stephen: OF COURSE, I WAS
CONFIRMED.>>WHAT DO YOU MEAN OF COURSE?>>Stephen: WELL YOU SAID, I
GOT MARRIED. I CAN SAY, I GOT CONFIRMED.>>TRUE.>>Stephen: I’M A CATHOLIC. TO HAVE THE SACRAMENTS. YOU HAVE TO BE CONFIRMED OR ELSE
YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC.>>YES, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL
SACRAMENT. WHILE YOUR FRIENDS ARE BEING
BAR MITZVAHED WHERE YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOING THE ELECTRIC SLIDE,
YOU ARE GETTING OIL ON YOUR HEAD WHEN YOUR SKIN IS AS OILY AS IT
HAS EVER BEEN, AND YOU ARE BEING ASKED TO REJECT SATAN JUST WHEN
YOU’RE BEGINNING HIGH SCHOOL WHEN YOU NEED HIM THE MOST. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: THAT’S TRUE. OBVIOUSLY —
>>BUT, HEY, WE RESPECT ALL RELIGIONS.>>Stephen: EXACTLY. ( LAUGHTER )
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, WHAT’S YOUR CONFIRMATION NAME.>>MARTIN.>>Stephen: NOT BAD. WHY?>>BECAUSE MY —
>>Stephen: BIG DEAN MARTIN FAN?>>A BIG DEAN MARTIN FAN
( LAUGHTER )>>Stephen: WHY MARTIN? MARTIN WAS THE MIDDLE NAME OF
MY OLDER BROTHER WHO PASSED AWAY. MY OLDER BROTHER TOOK PETER.>>Stephen: WHY DID HE TAKE
PETER?>>OUR OLDER BROTHER’S NAME WAS
PETE SNORE MY CONFIRMATION WAS SIMON BECAUSE MY BROTHER PETER
PASSED AWAY AND I PICKED PETER BECAUSE OF SIMON PETER.>>I DID MARTIN BECAUSE OF MY
LITTLE BROTHER. SO THAT WAS VERY NICE.>>Stephen: IT IS. CONFIRMATIONS ARE NICE. I’D JUST RATHER DO THE ELECTRIC
SLIDE WITH EVERYONE AT A BAR MITZVAH.>>Stephen: ARE YOU STILL A
CATHOLIC?>>UH —
>>Stephen: I’M AFRAID THAT’S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR —
( LAUGHTER )>>MY PARENTS ARE WATCHING. YOU KNOW — YEAH, YOU KNOW.>>Stephen: ON CHRISTMAS DAY,
ARE YOU GOING TO BE WITH YOUR PARENTS?>>TO, I WILL BE ON BROADWAY —
NO, I WILL BE ON BROADWAY, SO I GUESS THAT’S THE LEAST CATHOLIC
THING YOU CAN DO IS BE ON BROADWAY AND GO TO A CHINESE
RESTAURANT AFTER.>>Stephen: NICE SEEING YOU. MERRY CELLS, HAPPY HANUKKAH.>>I WILL BE GOING TO CHURCH
NEXT CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I LOVE THE BAD SINGING.>>Stephen: BAD SINGING? YES, WELL, ONE THING I ADMIRE
ABOUT JEWS IS THEY HAVE HEBREW, SO WHEN YOU SING, ALL PEOPLE
SINGING IN HEBREW DOESN’T SOUND GREAT, RIGHT? BUT IN CHURCH, PEOPLE ARE TRYING
TO SING WELL, AND THEY DON’T SOUND GOOD EITHER. THERE ARE GUYS THAT JUST WORK IN
CHURCH. NOT PRIESTS. THEY ALL LOOK LIKE MARCO RUBIO
AND THEY WORK IN CHURCH AND HAVE SPORTS COATS, PASS THE BASKET
AROUND, AND THEY GET UP AND SING EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE NOT SINGERS
AND THEY SING THE PSALMS — ♪ THE BREAD OF BREAD IS BREAD ♪
( SINGING OFFKEY ) AND THEN THEY RAISE THEIR HANDS
AND IF YOU THINK THEY DIDN’T KNOW THEIR LINES, WE DIDN’T KNOW
OUR LINES. AND THE DAD SINGS WAY TOO LOUD
TRYING TO GET THEIR KIDS TO HINGE. MY DAD ONCE GRABBED ME BY THE
BACK OF MY IZOD SHIRT IN CHURCH AND SAID, GOD CAN’T HEAR YOU.>>Stephen: WOW, WHAT A GREAT
FATHER! WHAT A LESSON FOR ALL OF US!>>YES.>>Stephen: JOHN, PLEASURE TO
HAVE YOU HERE. “OH, HELLO” IS ON BROADWAY NOW.
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

32 thoughts on “John Mulaney Bonds With Stephen Over Their Time As Altar Boys

  1. Daniel Stewart Post author

    "You were there for "The Daily Show", which was a show you did on Comedy Central" LMAO

    Reply
  2. Morgan Huls Post author

    i’m not even listening to what they’re saying i’m just marvelling the fact that john has a beard

    Reply
  3. Haley McLain Post author

    Stephen interrupts his guests way too much 😑

    Reply
  4. vernii mirnii Post author

    John mulaney somehow looks younger with facial hair

    Reply
  5. AndrewSun15 Post author

    Stephen Colbert is an awful host.
    Coco be the best

    Reply
  6. Not_so_stupid _ Post author

    "you are asked to reject satan just as high school is beginning when you need him the most" ok I died

    Reply
  7. Kim AndGetMe Post author

    Why is this man child have a sharpie marks on his face?!

    Reply
  8. lively living Post author

    john’s facial hair makes him go from 18 to 30 and i think that’s beautiful

    Reply
  9. ClaireShutters Post author

    Love John… so glad this facial hair didn’t continue

    Reply
  10. thangerstrings Post author

    It is very interesting seeing two comedians talk about their respective brothers who have passed away

    Reply
  11. Eric Hodge Post author

    Hate the beard. Hate it. Love John Mulaney and his comedy, but hate the beard.

    Reply
  12. Olivia Griffith Post author

    Catholic confirmation is remarkably different than Protestant confirmation. I need to look into this more.

    Reply
  13. Becca Robinson Post author

    My confirmation name is Catherine cause I thought saint Catherine’s dead body looked cool

    Reply
  14. Jedisofreddit Post author

    Wow Grant Gustin is looking different these days

    Reply
  15. Internet Assassin Post author

    He looks too pretty with a beard. Take it back

    Reply
  16. Dani Bally Post author

    1. i was raised catholic.
    2. catholic and go to church for holidays.
    3. i go to church. do you not go to church? and you're catcholic?
    4. colbert catholic.

    Reply
  17. Frostbite Post author

    Bread…God can’t hear you…That’s the same joke twice

    Reply
  18. Vanessa Howard Post author

    I picked Audrey for my confirmation name at the very last second bc my mom forced me to get confirmed 🙃

    Reply
  19. Marco Gálvez Post author

    johns fot a whole different energy with that beard im uncomfortable

    Reply
  20. KatieBoydxo Post author

    john running out with a beard triggered my fight or flight response

    Reply
  21. Sara Marsh Post author

    With that beard, john mulaney looks like a carnival sideshow man who will make all your dreams come true but only if you sell him your soul

    Reply

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