Jim Gaffigan Knows Why The Elderly Go To Church

By | October 19, 2019


MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE STAND-UP COMEDIANS. PLEASE WELCOME THE LOVELY AND TALENTED MR. JIM GAFFIGAN. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME BACK, STEPHEN.>>Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. WE HAD KIND OF A MANLY KIND OF– KIND OF A MANLY STILTED HANDSHAKE OVER THERE. I WASN’T SURE WHETHER TO GO IN>>I’M NOT AFFECTIONATE.>>Stephen: YOU HAVE FIVE CHILDREN, SIR.>>I’M TRYING TO RAISE CREATIVE CHILDREN SO I’M WITHDRAWING WHENEVER I CAN, WITHDRAW I THINK THAT WILL MAKE SOME MUSICIANS. WHAT DO YOU THINK, BAND, WILL IT WORK?>>Stephen: A FATHER’S JOB IS TO BE DISTANT, AUTHORITATIVE AND NEVER QUITE PLEASED. THAT’S WAY THE CHILDREN CAN UNDERSTAND GOD.>>THAT’S RIGHT. THAT ANSWER.>>Stephen: LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT YOUR NETFLIX SPECIAL “CINCO.”>>YES.>>Stephen: “CINCO.” NOT BECAUSE OF CINCO DE MAYO BUT>>Stephen: NOW IT’S GOING TO BE AN ALBUM, ALSO CALLED “CINCO,” RIGHT THERE.( APPLAUSE ).>>YUP.>>Stephen: WHAT– WHAT IF– IF I’VE SEEN YOUR NETFLIX SPECIAL AND I LOVED IT.>>YES.>>Stephen: WHAT AM I GETTING FROM THE ALBUM I DIDN’T GET FROM THE SPECIAL?>>WELL, THE ALWUM’S ALL IN SPANISH WHICH I THOUGHT WAS– NO, THE ALBUM, WE MADE A POINT– MY WIFE AND I WRITE EVERYTHING TOGETHER, AND WE MADE A POINT OF INCLUDING COMMENTARY TRACKS ON EACH INDIVIDUAL TRACK WHERE WE TALK –>>Stephen: IS IT– BECAUSE IT’S A DOUBLE ALBEM BUM.>>SO THERE ARE TWO ALBUM S.>>Stephen: IS IT EVERY OTHER TRACK?>>IT’S TWO DIFFERENT ALBUMS. IT’S JUST FOR THE COMEDY NERD THAT’S LIKE, “ALL RIGHT, HE HAS JOKES ON BREAD. WHAT WERE HE AND HIS WIFE THINKING ABOUT?” THERE ARE NO JOKES ON BREAD. THAT’S ON A DIFFERENT ALBUM! THERE ARE COMMENTARY TRACTION, SOME BACKGROUND ON WHAT WE CAME UP WITH, WHAT INSPIRED THE JOKE.>>Stephen: IT’S LIKE THE DIRECTOR’S COMMENTARY ON A DVD.>>VERY MUCH. AND THERE’S ALSO BONUS– THERE’S A BONUS TRACK OF MY– I’M KNOWN AS THIS KIND OF DAD COMEDIAN, BUT MY FIRST STAND-UP, YOU KNOW, SIX MINUTES THAT I DID ON CAROLINE’S COMEDY HOUR WAS ALL MATERIAL ABOUT MY DAD WHERE I MADE FUN OF MY DAD.>>Stephen: THAT’S NIECE.>>SO I INCLUDED THAT ON THE ALBUM.>>Stephen: THAT’S NICE. WE TALKED BEFORE. YOU’RE A CATHOLIC. I’M A CATHOLIC.>>I’M A CATHOLIC. I’M NOT A GOOD CATHOLIC.>>Stephen: ARE THERE– ARE THERE GOOD CATHOLICS?>>WELL, THERE ARE –>>Stephen: A GOOD CATHOLIC WOULD NOT CONSIDER HIMSELF A GOOD CATHOLIC.>>RIGHT. WELL THAT’S PROBABLY WHY THERE’S NOT A TEST, RIGHT? LIKE, IF THERE WAS A TEST FOR CATHOLICS, NO ONE WOULD PASS.>>Stephen: THERE IS, JIM.>>THERE IS? ( APPLAUSE ).>>Stephen: THERE’S A FINAL EXAM.>>THERE IS?>>Stephen: THERE’S A FINAL EXAM AT THE END OF IT. “PENCILS DOWN, GENTLEMEN, PENCILS DOWN!”>>THAT’S WHAT BEING AN OLD PERSON IS ALL ABOUT. THAT’S WHY CHURCH IS FILLED WITH OLD PEOPLE. THEY’RE CRAMMING IN IT AT THE END, RIGHT.>>Stephen: CHOOS EXACTLY–>>”I’M HERE! I’M HERE! TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR SOME TIME, MAKE UP FOR MY 20s.”>>Stephen: WE’VE TALKED POPE.>>YES.>>Stephen: WE’VE TALKED FRANCIS. WE BOTH LIKE FRANCIS.>>I LIKE FRANCIS.>>Stephen: DID YOU SEE WHEN OUR PRESIDENT WAS RECENTLY ON HIS BRIEF WORLD TOUR THERE, HE STOPPED BY THE VATICAN AND HE WAS THERE WITH THE POPE. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE REACTION?>>I THINK OF THE POPE AS SOMEBODY WHO– WHO IS– YOU KNOW, HE’S FOCUSE FOCUSED ON MER AND I’VE NEVER SEEN THE POPE LOOK MORE MISERABLE. ( LAUGHTER ) IT’S– I MEAN, YOU KNOW LIKE WHEN YOU’RE A KID AND YOU HAD TO KISS YOUR AUNT AND SHE HLIKE, FACIAL HAIR? THAT’S WHAT THE POPE KIND OF– HE LOOKED SAD. BUT HE’S LIKE– I GUESS HIM BEING NICE TO TRUMP, HE’S LIKE, “MAYBE THIS WILL COUNT AS ONE OF MY MIRACLES.” RIGHT? ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW?>>Stephen: WELL, YEAH.>>YOU KNOW?>>Stephen: WELL, THAT’S– THAT’S FUNNY BECAUSE YEAH, BECAUSE MIRACLES– LIKE IF SOMEBODY BECOMES A SAINT– LIKE IS JOHN PAUL II A SAINT YET?>>I THINK– YOU KNOW, IT’S NOT UP TO ME.>>Stephen: I THINK THEY DID. I THINK THEY GAVE– I THINK THEY FAST TRACKED JOHN PAUL II THROUGH VENERABLE, BLESSED, AND STRAIGHT TO SAINT. AND YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE, LIKE TWO OR THREE–>>YOU NEED TWO MIRACLES.>>Stephen: TWO MIRACLES– ASSOCIATED WITH YOU.>>I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S TWO. IT’S NOT LIKE HALF OF US WOULD BE, “YOU KNOW, IF IT WAS ONE, I’D GO FOR IT, BECAUSE I CAN DO THAT THING WITH MY ELBOW.” YOU KNOW? ( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF SAINTS, WHERE I LIVE, DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN, IS WHERE THE FIRST AMERICAN SAINT IS BURIED. HIS ST.– NOW I CAN’T THINK –>>Stephen: HE’S ON THE DOORS OF ST. PATRICK’S.>>ST. –>>Stephen: ELIZABETH ANN SETON IS THE FIRST AMERICAN SAINT.>>NO, HE WAS A SLAVE.>>Stephen: WHAT?>>HE WAS A SLAVE.>>Stephen: HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN EARLIER THAN HER BUT SHE WAS THE FIRST SAINT. I PROMISE YOU.>>HE WAS A SAINT, AND HE WAS A HAIRDRESSER. HE WAS A HAIRDRESSER, AND HE IS AT ST. PATRICK’S CANADA CA NEEDERAL.>>Stephen: IT WAS ST. PAUL MITCHELL. ST. VIDAL SASSOON. YOU KNOW WHAT? TWITTER IS GOING TO LET YOU KNOW. BUT HE WAS A HAIRDRESS GLER WE’LL TAKE A BREAK. YOU CAN STICK AROUND FOR ANOTHER THING.>>WHEN HOE GOT DONE CUTTING PEOPLE’S HAIR, THEY WERE LIKE, “THIS IS A MIRACLE.”>>Stephen: WE’LL BE RIGHT

28 thoughts on “Jim Gaffigan Knows Why The Elderly Go To Church

  1. Jacqueline Wernett Post author

    My Hebrew name is Jacova….I was born in Bethlehem…I went to my first Easter service 2016…No one knew I went…to St. Thomas Church…During service I heard the voice of God. He asked me, Where is your Mary Magdalene…I was stunned so I went outside…Then I got a text on my phone asking Where is your Mary Magdalene..I answered ri the Heavens, In my heart and everywhere. In aramaic Thomas means twin.

    Reply
  2. Jacqueline Wernett Post author

    I have more than 2 miracles..I have hundreds. I'm 53…I am not a saint…

    Reply
  3. Joey BoX0RoX Post author

    A Gaffigan & Steven interview in a box, would be hilarious!

    Reply
  4. Justin Chris Post author

    George Carlin, "Religion is Bullshit" is the best and most accurate.

    Reply
  5. Tom Maj Post author

    If you draw close to God, he draws close to you. He is indeed authoritative (not authoritarian), and, if you believe in Jesus, God is pleased with you because of Jesus’ goodness, not dependent on yours.

    Reply
  6. BoltLegend84 - Post author

    3 reasons

    1. They are religious but realize they haven’t done enough so their cramming as much church as possible
    2. They don’t have anything else to do
    3. They just figure, “nothing to lose. If god is real then I might as well just go just in case”

    Reply
  7. Pat Google Post author

    04:00 got his Trump bashing joke, I bet that was the condition to do the promo just before…. MSM rotten to the core

    Reply
  8. Paulabella Post author

    Guess Colbert is skipping the "Judge not, lest ye be judged" part, and the "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you…" (and then substituted hating.) But he know about Saints, so that's good…??

    Reply
  9. Tim Smith Post author

    Oh the vanity…no one cares Jim….just tell the jokes, we don't care how you wrote them

    Reply
  10. Nancy Anne Nesteriak-Gentili Post author

    Like Jim, can’t stand Colbert.

    Reply
  11. Richard Stevens Post author

    Sorry Jim is pandering to the left.
    Trump MAGA 2020🇱🇷🇱🇷🇱🇷🇱🇷🇱🇷

    Reply
  12. seattwa Post author

    And I really liked Jim Gaffigan!! Before I just now realized that he's in the same camp as this leftist dip shit Colbert. I guess I won't be turning on Netflix and watching Cinco! So long Jim, it was funny while it lasted. Damn it!

    Reply
  13. Citizen of Earth Post author

    I love Jim Gaffigan! Colbert is a prick though, I'd never watch his shows.

    Reply
  14. Ringo Garvin Post author

    Camembert laid a deuce on a comedians punchline. Unforgivable.

    Reply
  15. noel hutchins Post author

    he looks like he'd like a nice bouquet of bacon roses and slider flowers in his green room.

    Reply
  16. Fern D Post author

    Gaffagan is hilarious but goddamned Colbert talks through the entire segment. It's bad enough that Gaffagan can't get in a complete sentence but also has to stare at Colbert's deformed ear for six minutes. Colbert is more amused of himself than anything his guests have to say. Who the fuck decided this idiot merits his own talk show for the next 20yrs? Sadistic pricks.

    Reply
  17. James Cooper Post author

    Well, Gaffigan just couldn't resist getting in a cutdown on "Trump". p.s. It's still PRESIDENT TRUMP Dipshits.

    Reply
  18. Even Frank Post author

    I counted 6 out of 8 thumbs up from the band.
    Now I know de way.

    Reply
  19. Ana Castellano Post author

    The Colbert Show is funny when he’s not pretending to understand politics.

    Reply

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