Daniel Sloss – Religion

By | October 20, 2019


Evenin’. Uh, my mom’s had four kids, uh You can tell that she loves us all the same, but after the first two, you know, the magic kinda went. She always goes on about how she was blessed with me, then she was gifted with my sister, Then she /had/ my brother And she’ll always remember the day that she was diagnosed with the other one. I think one of the hardest things about being a parent must be Christmas morning When you’ve spent all this time, money, and effort making this day so magical. And then you look down at your child with those beautiful blue eyes that you hope resemble yours And they spend the whole day thanking Santa. You know that disappointment that parents feel in that moment? That’s exactly how doctors feel whenever you thank God. Mr. Darcy, we are delighted to announce that your cancer has gone into remission. “Oh, oh, thank the Lord!” (Strained laughter) (Frustrated groan) What? No, sorry, it’s just funny. I just couldn’t see his name anywhere on this chart. Ah… Could see my name right up at the top there: Dr. Michaels. Sat with you through two and a half months chemotherapy. You’re welcome, by the way. Dr. Conners over there. She spent six hours cutting a tumor out of your lung. Uh, I got the names of all the waitstaff all the nurse staff here. Can’t seem to find the Lord’s name! “Yes, but, but, but, but… the Lord sent you!” (High pitched disagreement) I don’t think he did! He certainly didn’t chip in for that medical degree! If I, ‘nd if I ‘member correctly, you came to me! I diagnosed you, and then I specified the treatment. In fact, if I cast my memory even further back, He’s the one that gave you cancer. Why? Maybe because you’re an ungrateful fuck! Yeah, thank you I told that joke, uh, in America one time… Not big fans. I overheard a man complaining about that joke afterwards to a member of staff. Word-for-word this is what he said, “That boy’s awful! That boy is disgusting! He is exactly what is wrong with this world!” “You can make fun of the blacks, you can make fun of the queers, you could even make fun of the colored ones…” “But nobody makes fun of Jesus!” Yeah! And he didn’t appreciate when I then took the time out to explain to him that technically, TECHNICALLY Jesus was one of the colored ones… Jesus was born in Bethlehem. Which is in the middle east. So had he been white, that would have been the fucking miracle! He would have been the only white guy for 400 miles, and it would’ve blown people’s minds. “Oh, look he’s turning water into wine.” “HE’S A DIFFERENT COLOR!!” “WHY IS NO ONE MENTIONING THIS?!” “WE LIVE IN THE DESERT! THE SUN IS ALWAYS IN THE SKY, YET SOMEHOW HE’S GOT THE COMPLEXION OF A SNOWMAN!” “…Whatever those are…” ‘Cause the sad fact is, if Jesus was alive today, he would not get through American customs. That’s a fact. He’d get there and things would get a little bit tense! Just one security guy, just there like… “Dave.” “Dave!” “DAVID!” “Yes, Beardy McSandals. Who else would I be talking about?” And then Jesus would get there, and they’d make him do this: “Really guys? Really, we’re doing this again?” Ah, you guys have been great. I’ve been Daniel Sloss, have a wonderful evening. Cheers.

100 thoughts on “Daniel Sloss – Religion

  1. Kay Dee Post author

    I watch all these comedians' bits against religion to prepare facing the religious people…

    Reply
  2. markafes1 Post author

    I'm imagining if during that conversation between the patient and the doctor, the doctor said: Well, actually me and my staff here are all Satanists so Lucifer's the one you should be thanking.

    Just imagine the expression on that poor fuck's face.

    Bonus points if it happened in Texas

    Reply
  3. Daniel Edwards Post author

    From America… and I laughed me arse off

    Reply
  4. POTENTIAL 0 Post author

    American here
    All this is true, and I hate it
    I’m an atheist and I can’t stand hearing about God
    Edit: hearing

    Reply
  5. Ruan du Rand Post author

    I only have one question……

    How did you not snap your head off at the end?

    Reply
  6. Lemonade WithSnacks Post author

    Where have you been all my life??? Really where have you been? 👑

    Reply
  7. clapton79 Post author

    Ungrateful fuck…… I'm going to use this…😂😂

    Reply
  8. Trebor Ironwolfe Post author

    Ţяэßş ŢдќєŞ™
    Channel 5 Reporter: "..and, when we come back… Jesus takes on the TSA ..and how this could affect your upcoming travel plans."
    "But first, here's Wilfred with your current local weather forecast…"

    Reply
  9. Zara Coleman Post author

    Going after the Christians isn't what I'd consider risky comedy.

    Reply
  10. Pranita Maindargikar Post author

    is it just me who finds him really attractive 😍😍

    Reply
  11. John Hateketak Post author

    Middle Easterners vary in color so Jesus could have been white for all we know

    Reply
  12. Calisota WGPR Post author

    gawd I love his emotions 😂😂😂 his face and his gestures… perfectly on point😂😂😂

    Reply
  13. Darian Rodriguez Post author

    I guess people thank the Lord for helping people get out of bed everyday that they have kemp, hope and what not, so when doctors help them live they thank the Lord they had the heart to see it through

    Reply
  14. Threnody Of The Red Queen Post author

    American Follower of Christ here, yeah, that was hysterical. Keep it up bro. 😂😂😂
    Also, I’ve always wondered where the concept of white Jesus came from.

    Reply
  15. PsicoThing Post author

    Wow ni un solo nacionalcatolico ofendido en los comentarios, great job google

    Reply
  16. Your Friendly Neighborhood Pansexual Post author

    I've seen this like five time on his netflix special and it's still hilarious

    Reply
  17. Abhishek Abraham Post author

    People thinking gospel believers don't have a sense of humour!

    Reply
  18. Lamia Mimoun Post author

    Finallyyyyyy! !! Jésus was never white 😂😂😂😂

    Reply
  19. Rose Linn Post author

    One minute into this video and I'm suddenly subscribed… 🤣🤣🤣

    Reply
  20. S Toy Post author

    "Thank the lord!"
    HE caused the problem, I solved it. He en't the one billin' you.

    Reply
  21. Kali Post author

    😂🤣🤣 I love Daniel Sloss!!! Comedy gold

    Reply
  22. Jon Jam Post author

    Not 20 seconds in and I'm already laughing

    Reply
  23. Cameron Mcclarty Post author

    This man is one of the many reasons I'm proud to be Scottish

    Reply
  24. tom coburn Post author

    This is the first video I’ve seen of this comedian who I’ve previously never heard of, but by god this has given me a great impression of him, this was hilarious and true 😂😂

    Reply
  25. Usama Nasher Post author

    Jesus was white because probably Mary had a 'few' goes with the romans

    Reply
  26. Maddie Myers Post author

    This is still my favorite video on the internet

    Reply
  27. Ryan Hamad Post author

    My dad’s a doctor and is also very religious but even he must be pissed when people thank god and not him

    Reply
  28. Jeffrey Daniel Post author

    Always Always ALWAYS! Take a second look at anyone no matter their color who looks like Jesus. That mother R is a dead give away!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  29. katelyn nicholas Post author

    3:48 woah bro any farther and you’re gonna snap your neck

    Reply
  30. 스테파니 Stephanie 조셉 Post author

    This is genius! 😂

    Reply
  31. Chris Azmo Post author

    Everytime I see him I think of his Minty Junk.

    Reply
  32. John Hall Post author

    Correction: The middle east of today is not the middle east of 2000 years ago. Hell, all along the Mediterranean was just one big Greek colony 2700 years ago. (also: modern Greeks are not ancient Greeks)

    Reply
  33. madbear3512 Post author

    "if Jesus was alive today" that the real joke

    Reply
  34. Mark Silla Post author

    He has the complexion of a snowman…. Whatever that is. LMAO

    Reply
  35. Total Drama Post author

    I usually don’t like stand up comedy, but this…..

    Reply
  36. Muamer Blazevic Post author

    I am a muslim and I don't think if doctor helped you that God didn't or vice versa. But damn that Jesus part was so on point and so funny that I am blown away. Well done 👏👏👏

    Reply
  37. BenRhysFisher Post author

    i’ve watched this video so many times i literally know all the words🤣

    Reply
  38. Leo Pickles Post author

    His accent is so weird, can’t tell if it Irish, Scottish or American.

    Reply
  39. Dissmor2 Post author

    This would be funny, if it were true… but doctors don’t know shit about healing people only fleecing them

    Reply
  40. Shushu Chan Post author

    I'm so happy i clicked on that random netflix show and now got tickets to see him live

    Reply
  41. Ms. Molly Post author

    No smug atheist in the comment section, now thats a miracle

    Reply
  42. Lel E Post author

    New Theory. God is a person who exists but in another universe and we are a universe created by his thoughts because he’s schizophrenic and we are his hallucinations and he’s created a new reality in his head.

    Reply
  43. courtney ballard Post author

    You should said! Yes my nick name is GOD but you can just call me Alex 🤗

    Reply
  44. me myself Post author

    well, it was a roman and greek colony, so there were white people there.. funny nevertheless

    Reply
  45. Rainhard Ravenlaw Post author

    Americans today are how the romans are portrayed in the bible

    Reply
  46. fethi moulay Post author

    If Jesus was a little bit smarter he would be an atheist

    Reply
  47. Tyler Bingham Post author

    Who's the best at hide and seek? Jesus christ still cant find him 2019 years later

    Reply
  48. Nate Davies Post author

    I thank Satan for the silence that reminds me gods don't exist.
    If we're fucked, it's ALL OUR FAULT.
    Enjoy life, we all die alone.
    Unless you die in like, a plane crash.

    Reply
  49. WestCoast FiRe Post author

    Super religious people sure love to push their ideology onto others, you dont see atheists going around door to door knocking on doors trying to lecture and convert people to atheism.

    Reply
  50. john duran Post author

    But the moment you say something about them L’s and them B’s and them G’s and theeeee T’s

    Reply
  51. General Ablon Post author

    Well, technically he was born during Roman Times in Roman territory, if I recall correctly. So, hypothetically, he could be an immigrant. Still, I find it significantly more likely that history was whitewashed.

    Reply
  52. miri marina Post author

    I'm a Christian but this is the funniest sketch about religion I've watched😂

    Reply
  53. sam sincuba Post author

    On the evidence of everything that has come to pass, you'd really have to say god (whichever one you believe in and happens to be the prevailing one in your locale, coincidentally) is a massive thundercunt. I'd still want nothing to do with him.

    Reply
  54. Amrei Post author

    The whole story of Jesus is the dumbest fucking thing bc god was killing himself to save himself from himself, the fuck comes up with that shit

    Reply
  55. Will Cruikshank Post author

    As a Christian, I find this hilarious. Whether you believe in God or not, what makes this really funny is that he's making fun of how people today misinterpret what Christianity actually says, misapply it to their lives, and use it as some kind of crutch in ways God never intended. Then, those shallow "Christians" get super offended when someone applies a neutral, logical perspective to half-hearted and convenient belief system they've concocted away from Biblical teachings. It makes it all the more hysterical.

    Reply
  56. Mr. Person Humanson Post author

    That rubber necking is on a whole new level

    Reply
  57. id104335409 Post author

    I thought it was a Daniel Tosh show. Glad I made that mistake! Great humor!

    Reply
  58. JIF_ Post author

    Gotta love when you buffer on the exact same moment as the thumbnail…

    Reply
  59. Alex Alexander Post author

    Daniel sloss is pack’n way more than comedy on his belt ,,,,,
    P.s I am a terrible human being but I just had to say it ,,,, I swear I’m not the only one ,,,,

    Reply
  60. Rickus Kruger Post author

    Not funny. I'm a Christian. I can appreciate lighthearted religious jokes, but how is this even funny.

    Reply
  61. nathaniel cowan Post author

    They were in the Roman empire at the time. They'd most certainly seen white people since the Macedonian empire lead by Alaxander the great.

    Reply
  62. Jenic Darling Post author

    Omg brilliant especially the end with TSA, apparently from comments ill say im American too and also from a very religious family though none racist….dear lord i hope not! …. ;P

    Reply
  63. pinkandyellowflower Post author

    Even though I’m a Christian American I find this hilarious!

    Reply
  64. Franz Kafka Post author

    The devil gives cancer. God appoints specific people to become doctors. A doctor that doesn’t understand that in medicine there are sometimes anomalies or unexplainable occurrences that happen is a doctor you don’t want to be treated by. That’s a doctor that thinks he knows everything. Even a homicide detective knows that although everything may have a reason for happening, there is no tangible way to reason Providence.

    Reply
  65. Misanthropic666bipolar Post author

    Love this guy because he says everything we're thinking.

    Reply

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