Evenin’. Uh, my mom’s had four kids, uh You can tell that she loves us all the same, but after the first two, you know, the magic kinda went. She always goes on about how she was blessed with me, then she was gifted with my sister, Then she /had/ my brother And she’ll always remember the day that she was diagnosed with the other one. I think one of the hardest things about being a parent must be Christmas morning When you’ve spent all this time, money, and effort making this day so magical. And then you look down at your child with those beautiful blue eyes that you hope resemble yours And they spend the whole day thanking Santa. You know that disappointment that parents feel in that moment? That’s exactly how doctors feel whenever you thank God. Mr. Darcy, we are delighted to announce that your cancer has gone into remission. “Oh, oh, thank the Lord!” (Strained laughter) (Frustrated groan) What? No, sorry, it’s just funny. I just couldn’t see his name anywhere on this chart. Ah… Could see my name right up at the top there: Dr. Michaels. Sat with you through two and a half months chemotherapy. You’re welcome, by the way. Dr. Conners over there. She spent six hours cutting a tumor out of your lung. Uh, I got the names of all the waitstaff all the nurse staff here. Can’t seem to find the Lord’s name! “Yes, but, but, but, but… the Lord sent you!” (High pitched disagreement) I don’t think he did! He certainly didn’t chip in for that medical degree! If I, ‘nd if I ‘member correctly, you came to me! I diagnosed you, and then I specified the treatment. In fact, if I cast my memory even further back, He’s the one that gave you cancer. Why? Maybe because you’re an ungrateful fuck! Yeah, thank you I told that joke, uh, in America one time… Not big fans. I overheard a man complaining about that joke afterwards to a member of staff. Word-for-word this is what he said, “That boy’s awful! That boy is disgusting! He is exactly what is wrong with this world!” “You can make fun of the blacks, you can make fun of the queers, you could even make fun of the colored ones…” “But nobody makes fun of Jesus!” Yeah! And he didn’t appreciate when I then took the time out to explain to him that technically, TECHNICALLY Jesus was one of the colored ones… Jesus was born in Bethlehem. Which is in the middle east. So had he been white, that would have been the fucking miracle! He would have been the only white guy for 400 miles, and it would’ve blown people’s minds. “Oh, look he’s turning water into wine.” “HE’S A DIFFERENT COLOR!!” “WHY IS NO ONE MENTIONING THIS?!” “WE LIVE IN THE DESERT! THE SUN IS ALWAYS IN THE SKY, YET SOMEHOW HE’S GOT THE COMPLEXION OF A SNOWMAN!” “…Whatever those are…” ‘Cause the sad fact is, if Jesus was alive today, he would not get through American customs. That’s a fact. He’d get there and things would get a little bit tense! Just one security guy, just there like… “Dave.” “Dave!” “DAVID!” “Yes, Beardy McSandals. Who else would I be talking about?” And then Jesus would get there, and they’d make him do this: “Really guys? Really, we’re doing this again?” Ah, you guys have been great. I’ve been Daniel Sloss, have a wonderful evening. Cheers.